Going Under
by Misty Yuy
Summary: (songfic) 12 Duo is neglecting Heero, thus depression sets in for the japanese boy. He then becomes siripusly suicidal. Can Duo save him in time? Deathfic, Selfmutilation, suicide, angst. Anouther Misty Tear-jerker.


Title: Going Under (1/1)  
Pairing: 1+2  
Genre: angst, death, suicide… Songfic, Shonen-ai  
Rating: R,  
Summary: Long after the wars, Heero and Duo have been together. But  
it seems that Duo has been neglecting Heero, thus resulting in Heero  
becoming depressed and suicidal.  
  
Disclaimer: GW does NOT belong to me, belongs to Sunrise and Bandai.  
The lyrics "Going Under" do not belong to me either… they belong to  
Evanescence.  
  
Many thanks to Tsuki for her excellent beta-ing skills. *thumbs up*  
You rock mate!!!  
  
Archive:? Ask first!!!  
  
~~~  
  
[Now I will tell you what I've done for you  
50 thousand tears I've cried  
Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you  
And you still won't hear me]  
  
Here I lay. On this bed to hold so much misery and pain. You once  
slept here. Under these covers, with me by your side. What ever  
happened to the love we shared? Do you no longer care for me at all  
now?  
  
Of course I know it, now that you no longer want me in your bedstead.  
The passion you once had for me, that kindred fire is gone. Blown  
out by the deadness of my heart.  
  
[Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself  
Maybe I'll wake up for once  
Not tormented daily defeated by you  
Just when I thought I'd reach the bottom  
I'm dying again]  
  
I am sorry for the way I am. The way I've become. If you cared so  
much, Duo, you would have stayed. Couldn't you see that I was tearing  
up inside? I was turning into someone I'm not. The knife I hold in my  
hand is little comfort. I feel nothing anymore. Nothing.  
  
[I'm going under  
Drowning in you  
I'm falling forever  
I've got to break through  
I'm going under]  
  
I'm about to fall and keep on falling further than I ever have  
before. You didn't know at first. About the cuts and the constant  
pain I put myself through. Because I needed that much pain just to  
make myself feel alive, the scars a constant reminder of what you put  
me through. My own train of thought led me to more drastic measures  
of seeking relief.  
  
You worked all the time at the office and when you did come home, it  
was only to shower, eat and sleep. You never seemed to pay any  
attention to me and my needs. Masturbation did nothing for me. Just  
wasn't the same, no attraction. I want you more than anything in the  
world, but do you really know that I am there...?  
  
[Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies  
So I don't know what's real and what's not  
Always confusing the thoughts in my head  
So I can't trust myself anymore  
I'm dying again]  
  
I think you are seeing someone else, or trying to tell me that I am  
no longer satisfying to your sexual appetite. I stare up at the  
ceiling, the music from the stereo blasting through the speakers.  
It's comfort enough. Sex is no longer the issue now. The issue is me.  
The issue is us.  
  
The blade in my hand, still and contemplating. I have made my  
decision, my life is worth nothing. Even if you do say the words 'I  
love you'… It's like they have no meaning, no depth in them. I  
couldn't care less about anything now. I am falling... I'm going to  
fall. I love you so much, Duo, but I cannot keep on living like this.  
  
[So go on and scream  
Scream at me I'm so far away]  
  
I need to get away from it all.  
  
I need to die.  
  
I raise both my arms, admiring the multiple scars and fresh cuts that  
mosaic my arms and wrists. Cuts in all directions, red, raw and sore  
with dried-up blood caked all over the flushed, tender undersides of  
my arms. I glance over the blade, it, too, covered in dried up blood.  
My blood.  
  
It is time.  
  
I raise my left wrist to the sharpened edge of the blade.  
  
[I won't be broken again  
I've got to breathe I can't keep going under]  
  
=breath=  
  
1  
2  
3  
...  
  
I slice, quickly and harshly. With every ounce of pain and confusion  
I feel, fuelling my movements as I repeat the same process to the  
right one. It hurts, hurts like hell. But finally, I have done it.  
Done what I came to do, all this way from the time I left my unknown  
mother's womb to now where I lay, the life-giving, crimson liquid  
seeping from the cuts.  
  
Even if you do care to come home, you cannot get in. The door is  
blocked off. You'd have to climb in through the window and even by  
then it would be too late. I would be gone. Gone from this existence.  
Provided you cared, of course.  
  
If you really cared, you'd come and save me. I left a message on your  
mobile. Whether you checked it or even understood it or not is all up  
to you. If you cared...if you even loved me. You would rescue me.  
Save me from falling to the point of no return.  
  
I can feel the life in me slipping away. Duo, I love you... Where are  
you?  
  
My eyes closed, I think I hear a car speeding up the driveway, the  
screech of the brakes telling me of a sudden halt, and the sound of a  
car door forcefully swung open.  
  
[I'm going under  
Drowning in you  
I'm falling forever  
I've got to break through]  
  
Some seconds later, I here you calling, crying out to me. You sound  
upset. Why should you be upset? Is it that you had a bad day at work  
and all you want to do is just take your frustrations out on me?  
  
There is pounding on the door.  
  
"HEERO... HEERO OPEN THIS DOOR... OPEN IT RIGHT NOW!"  
  
No, I don't want to. I can't. If you really love me you'll force your  
way in and save me.  
  
[I'm going under]  
  
"Heero..." You whimper and pound effortlessly on the creaking  
wood. "Heero...please…please open the door... I – I need you. I wan't  
you...please...just....open the door..."  
  
Sounds like you're crying, but I can hardly hear you over the booming  
music.  
  
"HEERO!!"  
  
[I'm falling forever]  
  
I sigh… My mind is going all fuzzy, my eyes becoming blurry and out  
of focus. Or are those only my tears? I don't know, I'm so out of it  
to even realise – nor do I really care anyhow.  
  
I can vaguely hear the pounding and the door creaking under pressure  
of the barricade, the chair begins to shift and shack violently as you  
try desperately to force yourself in.  
  
C'mon Duo...you love me... Try harder… You can do it. I know you can.  
  
"HEERO.. GOD...DAMN...IT... FUCKING...OPEN...THIS...FUCKING...DOOR!"  
  
[I've got to break through]  
  
Each word punctuated with each thrust against the door and in an  
instant, the door gives way and you suddenly come crashing into the  
room, tumbling over the chair. But there is no time for recovery; you  
rip out the power of the stereo, I guess just so you can hear my last  
few dying breaths.  
  
"Heero.. Oh Heero... NO... No not this... NO.."  
  
"D-uoo..."  
  
[Drowning in you]  
  
I feel you hug me close. Crying and sobbing into my neck, but it is  
no use. I have fallen – there is no turning back now.  
  
"God Heero... please…please come back to me. Please, I LOVE YOU."  
  
Pleading can't save me now. My breath shallows more and more with  
each passing second.  
  
I'm so close... So close to eternal darkness.  
  
[I'm going under]  
  
"Duo-....L-ove you..."  
  
With my last dying breath my body falls limp in your arms. The end  
has come. I am free.  
  
[I'm falling forever]  
  
~~~  
  
Owari…


End file.
